and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
