I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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