I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
