I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
