I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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