She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
