Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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