I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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