At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
