1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
