im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
