all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
