he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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