So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
