If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am spending my child support on dildos
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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