ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
