I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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