Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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