My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
