wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
