theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
