she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you never un-have a 4some
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
