I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The air was thick with penises
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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