i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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