John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
where are you?
Hypothermia
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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