dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
