Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
