my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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