I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
