my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
