Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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