I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
