I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
