...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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