dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
