Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
