I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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