I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
