Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
