you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
