is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
