Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
