My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Someone shattered a urinal.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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