soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
