my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
