this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
