So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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