And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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