capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
