just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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