ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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