Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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